Thursday was the first day of senior year. It was hot as anything cause my good old Catholic school doesn't have air conditioning. It sort of sucked more then I had previously expected. It's not as fun as it was the last 3 years. I think that at the begininning of every year though...I hope I can snap out of it and just get used to it. I've also been extrememly tired. I'm not used to getting up so early.

I keep rotating between being completly ready for this year to be over. To go to college. To never have to take a morning class again. Then I'll get all panicked and remember how much I love my school, and my friends and guard. (Color guard is the thing I do. For those ou you who don't know its the girls in the marching band with the spandx  uniforms and flags, sabres, and rifles. It sounds gay but it's my life and I love it.) I also feel like practice is sucking the life out of me. Being at school for seven hours for classes and then 3 hours for practice three days of the week is killing me. I also don't know how my mom is going to live by herself. I'm scared she'll get too lonely.

Other then school, life hasn't been too sucky. I know I should start exercising and eating better but I can't. I just don't know why. I can't find enough motivation. I keep wishing that I was skinny like most of my friends but then I just think but I like to be lazy. There's no way I'm going to be able to lose weight and keep it off anyway. I don't know but today I got really excited for Christmas. I can't wait for it to be here.  My friend's surprise party is next weekend. That should be really fun...if she hasn't figured it out yet.

Anyway, I guess that's all that's really going on right now. more later, I suppose.

Even though things have been bad, life is good. I'm a senior. i have my license and a car. I have amazing friends and an amazing mom. I always have fun and I'm fairly smart. I have a job and something I'm commited to 100%. I think I know what I want to do in life. Now all I have to do is decide on a college. I have a feeling that maybe things will actually work out in my favor for once. School starts Thursday and I feel ready to take it on.

Jonas Brothers concert tomorrow <3

I told myself when I started this I would try to keep updating with some sort of regularity. It's been almost a month since I've updated. So I guess I can consider that an epic fail so far. I'm going to try again.

Anyway, my dad got sick in December and spent most of that time in the hospital. I'm always so busy that I only saw him about once a week. And I got used to him being not being around. And even when he was home he wasn't the same as he had been before he got sick so it wasn't the same. So on July 25 I went to Warped Tour. Then the next day I left for Virginia Beach with my friend, Kim. Then entire week I felt uncomfortable and just wanted to go home. I made all sorts of promises to myself that week. Like I was going to spend more time with my dad and talk to him more and help out more around the house. He went home the Tuesday I was away. I finally got home on that Friday and there was a release party for Breaking Dawn that I went to and then I slept over my friends house afterwards. It wasn't until I went home on Saturday that I realized how bad it was. He couldn't really talk and he got a fever and kept getting sick. So my mom slept on the couch since his hospital bed was set up in the living room. I went in to bed around 2. My mom woke me up at 630 and told me that things weren't looking good. My grandmother was there too. So I went out and she had put him on oxygen and his breathing was really bad. So I sat with him and held his hand for awhile while my mom took a shower. Then I went in to take mine. She came in while i was washing my hair and told me he died. This Sunday will be 3 weeks.

I miss him. I feel so incredibly guilty because of all the times we fought. The last one we got in was in the beginning of December and was particularily bad. I don't even remember what it was about. All I do remember is telling him I hated him and that I wished he would die. Then he got sick. So I guess in an ironic way, I got my wish.  It's ironic because it took him dying to make me realize how much I love him and how much I need him in my life. I still keep expecting him to come walking in the back door  all sweaty after he's done work to eat. Or to see him pull into the parking lot at school while I'm at practice. I think for the past seven months I kept thinking he would get better. He would go back to normal. I never expected this to happen even though we all knew it was coming. I keep having mood swings and am completely emotionally irrational. Like I have a burning hate for my friend, Kim's parents for wanting me to go with them to Virginia so bad to keep her company. I feel like they stole a week of our time from me. I feel like none of my friends care even though they have shown they do time and time again. It's only because I never talk about it that they don't. I try to keep myself distracted but then when I go any length of time without thinking about him or missing him I feel incredibly guilty. In the back of my head I can't wait to die just so I can see him again. I don't talk about it and on the outside I'm sure it looks like I've just gone back to the way things were before. I'm scared my mom thinks I don't care that he died because I'm always out and I recently had band camp for 2 weeks which took up most of my time. I always talk to him in my head but I'm not really sure if he can hear me. I hope so.

I just want to go back to to eighth grade. I wish I had more time with him. I wish I could treat him better and tell him that I love him. I wish he would send me a sign that he is okay. When he was alive he would always tell me what a good person I am. I hope he hasn't changed his mind. I hope he knows that however mean i was to him there was nothing that could change that fact. I hope he's happy wherever he is. I want to say thank you for everything he taught me, like how to drive and everything about the movies and music he liked. I hope he knows I will never forget him or everything he did for me.  I hope he's watching over me and that he'll make sure we're okay.  Because at this point I'm not sure if it's ever going to feel alright again. Sunday will be 3 weeks and it feels like a year. I guess it's true what people say...You don't know what you've got til it's gone.

Dear Dad, 
There are so many things you've done that I hated you for. I blame myself for all of it. Do you remember that time when I was little and we were camping. Mom told me not to go into one part of the water because it was too dangerous. I did anyway. You slipped and fell trying to save me from drowning. Twice. You literally broke your back for me. I'm just now starting to understand your addiction to painkillers. Apparently, it's pretty common for people with back injuries. Then your addiction led to the divorce. At least in a child's eyes it did. I know now that there was so much more that factored into it and not all of it was your fault. I was relieved to be able to live away from you. Half of my time was spent with mom and half with you. And I loved it. Then we moved back in with you and you and mom pretty much got back together. I can't remember why this bothered me so much. As I got older we fought more and more. But at the same time we had some amazing memories. Do you remember this time last summer we were down the shore with mom and Heather and we saw Hairspray. We both loved it. There's nothing in the world I want more then to be down the shore again with you and mom and Heather. We could have seen Mamma Mia. You would have loved that too. But as it is, on Christmas Day you went into the hospital. A week later you were diagnosed with cancer. They said it could be cured. Then it spread to your brain. You started to lose it. I don't think you're ever going to be the same again. And I miss you. I miss you so so much. I wish things could just go back to the way they used to be. I wish I could take back every mean thing I ever said to you. I wish I could say I love you and know you would remember. I just want my dad back. They say you have 2 months to 2 years. I can't believe you're going to die.  That you're not going to see me graduate or walk me down the aisle at my wedding or hold your grandkids. I'm never going to be able to buy you that house on the lake after I get rich so that you can fish everyday once you retire. There's so much more we have to do. So even if I can't say any of this to your face I just want you to know I love you. I always have loved you and I always will. No matter what I said or how I acted that has never changed. I miss you so much. I can't imagine my life without you in it. Please don't die. I don't want to lose you. Please keep fighting. I don't believe in miracles. Prove me wrong. Please.

 1. my ipod. so that people could listen to the soundtrack of my life.

2. my bag of notes and cards from eighth grade until junior year. so people could know what it was like to be a teenage girl(14-17) in catholic school in the early 2000's...at least how it was for me.

3. a piece of paper with my photobucket account written on it so people could see everything that was importants to me...friends, family, my dog, color guard, and school.

the basics...
my name's jaime. it means "i love" in french.
i was born on june 11 and i'm seventeen.
i'm a senior. i don't feel like one.
i go to catholic school. i don't know what i believe in.
when i'm happy, i'm really happy.
when i'm not i'm really not.
I get attached to people very easily.
i get sick of them just the same.
i can be very shy. i can be very obnoxious.
i can't wait to leave high school. i'm scared to go to college.
my mom is the best person in my world.
she is also the most annoying.
i love to drive. i love to read.
i do color guard. it's my life.
you can think it's gay. half the time i do too.
i don't want to be that girl always complaining about how bad my life is.
it's not perfect but there are people out there who have it worse then me.
my friends are what keep me going.
they don't always get my life though.
i want to meet new people.
maybe who might understand me better.
i hope if you read this we can be friends.
i'm generally a really nice person.